How this works -
You comment below with up to 500 words of your writing.
Sometime today, Tuesday, Claire will come by and give you feedback.
Sound awesome? Awesome!
The blog of a girl who's looking for God's plan for her life. In the mean-time, she's knitting books and writing scarves ... or something like that.
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
Critiquing Opportunity! Claire M. Banschbach
A number of the authors have volunteered to critique YOUR writing. This post is Claire M. Banschbach's.
How this works -
You comment below with up to 500 words of your writing.
Sometime today, Tuesday, Claire will come by and give you feedback.
Sound awesome? Awesome!
How this works -
You comment below with up to 500 words of your writing.
Sometime today, Tuesday, Claire will come by and give you feedback.
Sound awesome? Awesome!
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Raven jolted awake and didn’t know why.
ReplyDeleteSomething was wrong.
Swinging her legs silently over the edge of the couch, she wrapped her blanket around her shoulders and crept to the middle of the room.
She looked around. Nothing was out of place.
But something was still wrong. She could feel it – the weird tremor in her heart and the hairs standing up on her arms attested to that.
And then she saw a shadow – blacker than the night that blanketed the Aeriel – standing in front of her door’s window. She stepped back, and the back of her legs bumped against the couch.
A scream caught in her throat as her window was smashed to shards by a gloved fist. Glass shattered on the floor, and the hand reached into her house through the window and unlocked the door.
There was no escape now. And so Raven stood, rooted to the spit, as the broken door was thrown wide open.
And there was [name].
Raven glared at him with all her might and main as his steely eyes bored into her.
(I cut out one name to eliminate a spoiler, sorry :D)
~ Savannah
scattered-scribblings.blogspot.com
Hehe! No worries! :)
DeleteOk! Really intrigued right now!
In the first two lines you say Raven doesn't know why she was awake but then she knows "something" is wrong. Almost contradictory. I'd cut the "didn't know why".
"She could feel it – the weird tremor in her heart and the hairs standing up on her arms attested to that." This feels a little awkward to me. Maybe try combining it a different way. As an example - "she could feel it in the tremor in her heart and the rigid hairs on her arms."
"She stepped back, and the back of her legs bumped against the couch." Maybe try something like "she stepped back, bumping the back of her legs against the couch."
"as her window was smashed to shards by a gloved fist" - good sentence. Make it a little punchier (haha). Maybe like - "a gloved fist smashed her window to shards"
Same here - "Raven glared at him with all her might and main as his steely eyes bored into her." - Maybe something like "she returned his steely eyed gaze with her own glare."
I liked it a lot. I'm really wanting to know what happens next! :) The examples I gave are just ways to recombine sentences to cut down on words and maybe pack a little more punch. Hopefully that's helpful.
Thanks for commenting!
Thank you for critiquing this, Claire! Your notes were SUPER helpful, I loved reading through them <3. I can't wait to start editing ;).
Delete~ Savannah
scattered-scribblings.blogspot.com
You are very welcome! I'm glad they were helpful. Good luck with editing! :)
DeleteA lone figure broke through the deepening darkness, falling to his knees as if pushed down by a heavy weight. He gazed around, his eyes scanning the forest.
ReplyDeleteRemember…
The words whispered over the still breeze, playing with his thoughts. “Remember what? What do you mean remember?!”
Remember…
He glanced up at the limbs of the trees crisscrossing overhead, interweaving and forbidding the sun to shine. He slowly rose, glancing down at his leather jerkin and dark blue tunic—so familiar. But memory refused to be his friend. He felt as though he should know this place but he didn’t remember seeing it before…so odd.
He reached back and felt the quiver strapped onto his back and carefully pulled out an arrow, running a hand over the quivering feather, smooth under the touch of his thumb. His bow hung from his shoulder, and he glanced down, catching sight of the dagger in its sheathed on the belt at his side.
The man looked to his left where stones lay in a circle as if someone was preparing to light a fire in the center, but he could see no wood or no ashes if they’d done it recently. Then something caught his eye—a particular tree behind the ring of rocks, tall and knobby, old but hardly weathered as if it’d been shaded many years from the sun. The trunk, the leaves…something…something so familiar…something about darkness and death, but he couldn’t place the familiarity with something worth grasping.
The wood though…the trees…Remember…
He couldn’t even remember who he was much less anything else—how was he supposed to remember anything at all? He glanced back down at the arrow he still clutched in his hand…the feather sparked emotions that he couldn’t even begin to explain. Slowly he returned it to his quiver and rubbed a hand over his short beard.
The wood, the silence, the evil hovering as an ever constant presence—everything from the place he stood to the arrows strapped to his back demanded to be dredged up in his memory, to be remembered.
But he couldn’t.
Remember… His heartbeat quickened and time paused for a breath. The world around him spun and he gasped as something—a word—began to take shape in his mind. Remember…
He glanced once more at the proud tree standing in front of him and back down at the stones before turning deeper into the wood down a seemingly invisible path, but one he felt sure he must take. Something…an inner voice…something he couldn’t explain—except he knew he must go this way.
The sighing wind refused to reveal who he really was…a soldier, a dead man walking, a wraith called back from the dead—a lunatic? He didn’t know and mayhap the thought should have terrified him. But it didn’t.
Instead the breeze, as little as it may be, continued to whisper in his ear one word that caused his heart to shudder. He couldn’t explain it—he’d never heard the name before, but then he was lost in a wood and didn’t know who he was, so it shouldn’t surprise him.
No matter that he’d never heard the name—he just knew from the echoing voice in his ears that he had no choice. He had to go.
Dragomer…Dragomer…
WOW a little longer then it should be - sorry about that!!!
DeleteNo worries, Kara! This is really intriguing! I'm liking this guy already and I don't know much about him. And I kind of love amnesia stories. :)
Delete"He gazed around, his eyes scanning the forest." - a little redundant. Pick one seeing action here. :)
In the beginning you say "deepening darkness" leading me to believe that it's dusk or later. Then you say the branches criss cross to forbid the sun to shine. To me it's an inconsistency with the time of day this is taking place.
"Slowly he returned it to his quiver and rubbed a hand over his short beard." - this is good. Maybe give us some more sensory descriptions for the beard. Is it rough, stubbled, smooth, etc? Draw us further in.
"the evil hovering as an ever constant presence" - I don't know that I got any "evil" vibes from the excerpt before you said this. There's the bit about death and darkness right before, but I don't know that I would have automatically assumed that there was something evil in the area.
"The sighing wind refused to reveal who he really was…a soldier, a dead man walking, a wraith called back from the dead—a lunatic? He didn’t know and mayhap the thought should have terrified him. But it didn’t. " - Kind of love this! :)
"but then he was lost in a wood and didn’t know who he was, so it shouldn’t surprise him. " - Good. This gives us a little insight into his personality.
Great job! I hope the feedback was helpful!
I'd love to get some more background on this story!
WOW I really appreciate this - thanks so much!
DeleteYou are very welcome! :)
Delete