Wordless Wednesday - My New Glasses

On another note, Thanks to the 239 people who bought my book for free yesterday. I hope you like it, and please leave a review. I have a contest running when it comes to reviews.

Happy Valentine's Day!

As my Valentine's Present to everyone, until midnight tonight, the Kindle Version of my book will once more be free. If you missed out on this back at Christmas - here's your second chance! Hurry while it lasts!

Make sure you send me a review of what you think of it so I can enter you in the drawing.

The Believing Husbands

I actually know of three versions of this Fairy Tale. They all begin the same, it's the endings that are different, and the titles. I think this is the silliest ending. I got the text from here.

Once upon a time there dwelt in the land of Erin a young man who was seeking a wife, and of all the maidens round about none pleased him as well as the only daughter of a farmer. The girl was willing and the father was willing, and very soon they were married and went to live at the farm. By and bye the season came when they must cut the peats and pile them up to dry, so that they might have fires in the winter. So on a fine day the girl and her husband, and the father and his wife all went out upon the moor.

So boy has already married girl. Obviously, this is not a romance Fairy Tale. It's a humor one.

They worked hard for many hours, and at length grew hungry, so the young woman was sent home to bring them food, and also to give the horses their dinner. When she went into the stables, she suddenly saw the heavy pack-saddle of the speckled mare just over her head, and she jumped and said to herself:

"That's in the wrong spot. I need to put it away ..."

'Suppose that pack-saddle were to fall and kill me, how dreadful it would be!' and she sat down just under the pack-saddle she was so much afraid of, and began to cry.

Honey girl, (her name's Else, by the way, according to the other two versions) you really ought to chose a different place to sit, than right under what you're scared of.

Now the others out on the moor grew hungrier and hungrier.

And Else got thirstier and thirstier, because she was crying, you know.

'What can have become of her?' asked they, and at length the mother declared that she would wait no longer, and must go and see what had happened.

Ah, mom will go talk the girl out of her silliness.

As the bride was nowhere in the kitchen or the dairy, the old woman went into the stable, where she found her daughter weeping bitterly.

And making an utter fool out of herself.

'What is the matter, my dove?' and the girl answered, between her sobs:

What's the matter, dear mother, is that your daughter is being foolish.

'When I came in and saw the pack-saddle over my head, I thought how dreadful it would be if it fell and killed me,' and she cried louder than before.

And the mother gives her a Look and says, "as if that's gonna happen. You know, it will happen if you keep sitting there. Come on, the horses are hungry, and so are our menfolk ..."

The old woman struck her hands together: 'Ah, to think of it! if that were to be, what should I do?' and she sat down by her daughter, and they both wrung their hands and let their tears flow.

Evidently, Mom is just as silly as the daughter

'Something strange must have occurred,' exclaimed the old farmer on the moor, who by this time was not only hungry, but cross. 'I must go after them.' And he went and found them in the stable.

Dad will set it straight .... Hopefully.

'What is the matter?' asked he.

What is the matter, dear sir, is that your wife and daughter are being silly. Tell them to get up and start  cooking.

'Oh!' replied his wife, 'when our daughter came home, did she not see the pack-saddle over her head, and she thought how dreadful it would be if it were to fall and kill her.'

"Well, then," says the father, "why then are you both sitting directly under it? Get up and get me some lunch!"

'Ah, to think of it!' exclaimed he, striking his hands together, and he sat down beside them and wept too.

And Dad is just as silly as his wife and daughter.

As soon as night fell the young man returned full of hunger, and there they were, all crying together in the stable.

'What is the matter?' asked he.

Young man, you'd better have your head on straight, or I'll ... or I'll ... 

Give me a second while I try and figure out how to threaten a Fairy Tale Character ...

'When thy wife came home,' answered the farmer, 'she saw the pack-saddle over her head, and she thought how dreadful it would be if it were to fall and kill her.'

Oh, I know! I'll send in a Evil Fairy who'll turn you all into frogs! Wait ... wrong Fairy Tale.

'Well, but it didn't fall,' replied the young man, and he went off to the kitchen to get some supper, leaving them to cry as long as they liked.

Nevermind, young man has his head on straight, I don't need to punish him

The next morning he got up with the sun, and said to the old man and to the old woman and to his wife:

"You are the three silliest people I've ever met. However did I end up marrying your daughter?"

'Farewell: my foot shall not return to the house till I have found other three people as silly as you,' and he walked away till he came to the town, and seeing the door of a cottage standing open wide, he entered. No man was present, but only some women spinning at their wheels.

And they turned out to be fairies who sent him off on a wondrous adventure full of ... sorry, wrong Fairy Tale.

'You do not belong to this town,' said he.

That's an interesting thing to say, young man. Whatever made you answer that way?

'You speak truth,' they answered, 'nor you either?'

Which leads me to wonder where they belong to, because the Fairy Tale gives no clue.

'I do not,' replied he, 'but is it a good place to live in?'

You thinking about settling down, young man?

The women looked at each other.

As if they had never seen each other before. 

'The men of the town are so silly that we can make them believe anything we please,' said they.

Well! This should be interesting!

'Well, here is a gold ring,' replied he, 'and I will give it to the one amongst you who can make her husband believe the most impossible thing,' and he left them.

The young man apparently agrees. Wonder where he got the ring ... his wedding ring maybe ...

As soon as the first husband came home his wife said to him:

'Thou art sick!'

And I'm thinking about how men around here never believe you about them being sick, even if he is sick ...

'Am I?' asked he.

No, sir, you are not, your wife is taking advantage of you to win a ring.

'Yes, thou art,' she answered; 'take off thy clothes and lie down.'

"Can I have supper first ..."

So he did, and when he was in his bed his wife went to him and said:

"This is all a joke!"

'Thou art dead.'

... dead?

'Oh, am I?' asked he.

Oh, he's talking. Good. He's not really dead. For a second, there, I actually believed her ...

'Thou art,' said she; 'shut thine eyes and stir neither hand nor foot.'

"And don't talk, either."

And dead he felt sure he was.

And silly he will soon feel sure he is.

Soon the second man came home, and his wife said to him:

After the first husband I can see him believing anything!

'You are not my husband!'

She decided she doesn't like him anymore, I guess.

'Oh, am I not?' asked he.

It must be really easy for the women to get divorce in this place ... all they have to do is tell their husbands that they aren't married anymore ...


Not really a good thing ...

'No, it is not you,' answered she, so he went away and slept in the wood.

But, still, that isn't as hard to believe as being told that you're dead!

When the third man arrived his wife gave him his supper, and after that he went to bed, just as usual. The next morning a boy knocked at the door, bidding him attend the burial of the man who was dead, and he was just going to get up when his wife stopped him.

Wonder what she's planning, since she didn't post her silly story as soon as he walked in the door ...

'Time enough,' said she, and he lay still till he heard the funeral passing the window.

I wonder if it's the funeral of the man who's just pretending to be dead.

'Now rise, and be quick,' called the wife, and the man jumped out of bed in a great hurry, and began to look about him.

I wonder if his name was Jack ... 

'Why, where are my clothes?' asked he.

Ummm .....

'Silly that you are, they are on your back, of course,' answered the woman.

UMMMMM!!!!!!!

'Are they?' said he.

At least the funeral seems to be an all-man affair ....

'They are,' said she, 'and make haste lest the burying be ended before you get there.'

I'm actually a tad bit worried about this woman.

Then off he went, running hard, and when the mourners saw a man coming towards them with nothing on but his nightshirt, they forgot in their fright what they were there for, and fled to hide themselves. And the naked man stood alone at the head of the coffin.

At least he has a nightshirt on ...

Very soon a man came out of the wood and spoke to him.

The man who's convinced he's not his wife's husband ...

'Do you know me?'

Apparently they aren't aware of their wive's friendships.

'Not I,' answered the naked man. 'I do not know you.'

I wonder if he knows the man in the coffin ....

'But why are you naked?' asked the first man.

Because, like you, he's very silly and will believe anything his wife tells him.

'Am I naked? My wife told me that I had all my clothes on,' answered he.

And you believe everything your wife tells you? Wait, I forgot, you do.

'And my wife told me that I myself was dead,' said the man in the coffin.

I was right! The man in the coffin was the first husband!

But at the sound of his voice the two men were so terrified that they ran straight home, and the man in the coffin got up and followed them, and it was his wife that gained the gold ring, as he had been sillier than the other two.

And the young man went home and back to his wife and in-laws and they lived happily ever after. Somehow.

Clever Else

I actually know the basic plot of this fairy tale under three different titles. This one is Clever Else, and I got the text and image from this website.

There was once a man who had a daughter who was called Clever Else, and when she was grown up, her father said she must be married, and her mother said, “Yes, if we could only find some one that would consent to have.”

Was she that bad of a girl? Okay, now I'm worried. You would think that a clever girl would be quickly married off. Apparently not.

At last one came from a distance, and his name was Hans, and when he proposed to her, he made it a condition that Clever Else should be very careful as well. 

She has to be careful. That might get them in trouble.

“Oh,” said the father, “she does not want for brains.”

But Hans wasn't asking about brains, he was asking about how careful she was.

 “No, indeed,” said the mother, “she can see the wind coming up the street and hear the flies cough.” 

See the wind? Wind is invisible. And flies don't cough. They're almost as bad as the girl's father in Rumpelstiltskin!

“Well,” said Hans, “if she does not turn out to be careful too, I will not have her.” 

You know, I'd think that if I had a stipulation for my potential spouse, I wouldn't tell it to her. That way, she can't pretend to have the traits you seek. But, to each his own, I guess.

Now when they were all seated at table, and had well eaten, the mother said, “Else, go into the cellar and draw some beer.” Then Clever Else took down the jug from the hook in the wall, and as she was on her way to the cellar she rattled the lid up and down so as to pass away the time. 

Um ... talk about a nervous habit. Hey, Hans, this girl looks to be a bit hyper! Are you sure you want her?

When she got there, she took a stool and stood it in front of the cask, so that she need not stoop and make her back ache with needless trouble. Then she put the jug under the tap and turned it, and while the beer was running, in order that her eyes should not be idle, she glanced hither and thither, and finally caught sight of a pickaxe that the workmen had left sticking in the ceiling just above her head. 

You know, I wonder how often this girl went down to the cellar to get beer - and if she had been down there often enough - why hadn't she noticed it before?

Then Clever Else began to cry, for she thought, “If I marry Hans, and we have a child, and it grows big, and we send it into the cellar to draw beer, that pickaxe might fall on his head and kill him.” 

Define big. Big enough to react in time to get out of the way in time? But she has to worry, anyways. She's supposed to be being careful, after all.

So there she sat and cried with all her might, lamenting the anticipated misfortune. All the while they were waiting upstairs for something to drink, and they waited in vain. At last the mistress said to the maid, “Go down to the cellar and see why Else does not come.”

So they were rich enough to have a maid. 

 So the maid went, and found her sitting in front of the cask crying with all her might. “What are you crying for?” said the maid. “Oh dear me,” answered she, “how can I help crying? if I marry Hans, and we have a child, and it grows big, and we send it here to draw beer, perhaps the pickaxe may fall on its head and kill it.” 

"You see, Hans wants me to be careful - so I'm being careful!" Yes, I see why she's called clever. It takes cleverness to be this manipulative!

“Our Else is clever indeed!” said the maid, and directly sat down to bewail the anticipated misfortune. After a while, when the people upstairs found that the maid did not return, and they were becoming more and more thirsty, the master said to the boy, “You go down into the cellar, and see what Else and the maid are doing.”

They're rich enough to have a boy too. Unless the maid and boy are Else's younger sister and brother ... They might be, actually.

The boy did so, and there he found both Clever Else and the maid sitting crying together. Then he asked what was the matter. “Oh dear me,” said Else, “how can we help crying? If I marry Hans, and we have a child, and it grows big, and we send it here to draw beer, the pickaxe might fall on its head and kill it.” 

Well, boys tend to be more intelligent than girls, so the boy might not fall for this stupidity.

“Our Else is clever indeed!” said the boy, and sitting down beside her, he began howling with a good will. 

Guess he isn't much smarter.

Upstairs they were all waiting for him to come back, but as he did not come, the master said to the mistress, “You go down to the cellar and see what Else is doing.” So the mistress went down and found all three in great lamentations, and when she asked the cause, then Else told her how the future possible child might be killed as soon as it was big enough to be sent to draw beer, by the pickaxe falling on it. 

And the mother, being utterly convinced that her daughter is completely clever, will go along with it.

Then the mother at once exclaimed, “Our Else is clever indeed!” and, sitting down, she wept with the rest. 

See my previous comment.

Upstairs the husband waited a little while, but as his wife did not return, and as his thirst constantly increased, he said, “I must go down to the cellar myself, and see what has become of Else.” And when he came into the cellar, and found them all sitting and weeping together, he was told that it was all owing to the child that Else might possibly have, and the possibility of its being killed by the pickaxe so happening to fall just at the time the child might be sitting underneath it drawing beer; and when he heard all this, he cried, “How clever is our Else!” and sitting down, he joined his tears to theirs. 

You would think that Dad, at least, had a head on his shoulder. But, no, he, too, had to go along with the clever Else. I say that that girl's spoiled!

The intended bridegroom stayed upstairs by himself a long time, but as nobody came back to him, he thought he would go himself and see what they were all about And there he found all five lamenting and crying most pitifully, each one louder than the other. 

I wonder how he didn't hear them from upstairs.

“What misfortune has happened?” cried he. 

He's worried she wasn't being careful.

“O my dear Hans,” said Else, “if we marry and have a child, and it grows big, and we send it down here to draw beer, perhaps that pickaxe which has been left sticking up there might fall down on the child’s head and kill it; and how can we help crying at that!” 

Oh, he sees, she was crying to show how careful she is.

“Now,” said Hans, “I cannot think that greater sense than that could be wanted in my household; so as you are so clever, Else, I will have you for my wife,” and taking her by the hand he led her upstairs, and they had the wedding at once.

Apparently he couldn't see through her act.

A little while after they were married, Hans said to his wife, “I am going out to work, in order to get money; you go into the field and cut the corn, so that we may have bread.” 

Since she hadn't yet any kids, she might as well work, ya know?

“Very well, I will do so, dear Hans,” said she. And after Hans was gone she cooked herself some nice stew, and took it with her into the field. 

Stew. I would have fixed myself a sandwich, actually, since stews don't keep well outside. Well, her prerogative, I guess.

And when she got there, she said to herself, “Now, what shall I do? shall I reap first, or eat first? All right, I will eat first.” 

No, Else, you're supposed to be working!

Then she ate her fill of stew, and when she could eat no more, she said to herself, “Now, what shall I do? shall I reap first, or sleep first? All right, I will sleep first.” 

I thought she was supposed to be clever.

Then she lay down in the corn and went to sleep. And Hans got home, and waited there a long while, and Else did not come, so he said to himself, “My clever Else is so industrious that she never thinks of coming home and eating.” 

Well, at least he assumes the best. There are others who would assume the worst... I think she got the better end of the marriage.

But when evening drew near and still she did not come, Hans set out to see how much corn she had cut; but she had cut no corn at all, but there she was lying in it asleep. 

And he was severely disappointed, and he realized that he should have made his stipulation "industrious" instead of "careful." 

Then Hans made haste home, and fetched a bird-net with little bells and threw it over her; and still she went on sleeping. 

Um ... Hans? What are you up to?

And he ran home again and locked himself in, and sat him down on his bench to work. At last, when it was beginning to grow dark, Clever Else woke, and when she got up and shook herself, the bells jingled at each movement that she made. 

And since she was clever, she realized that she had bells on her ...

Then she grew frightened, and began to doubt whether she were really Clever Else or not, and said to herself, “Am I, or am I not?” 

Or not. This reminds me of Alice in Wonderland, actually, when Alice is wondering if she's still Alice, then decides that she isn't and that she's really Mabel.

And, not knowing what answer to make, she stood for a long while considering; at last she thought, “I will go home to Hans and ask him if I am I or not; he is sure to know.” 

She's not clever enough to know if she's herself it appears.

So she ran up to the door of her house, but it was locked; then she knocked at the window, and cried, “Hans, is Else within?” 

And what does he answer?

“Yes,” answered Hans, “she is in.” 

Hans. You're the one who married her! Don't be so cruel to her!

Then she was in a greater fright than ever, and crying, “Oh dear, then I am not I,” she went to inquire at another door, but the people hearing the jingling of the bells would not open to her, and she could get in nowhere. So she ran away beyond the village, and since then no one has seen her.

And the moral of the story is, marry a girl who is industrious, not clever or careful.

END

The Three Sillies

I know of three versions of this Fairy Tale. They're pretty much similar for the first half, but the second halves are all different, and all funny! The text and image come from this site.


ONCE upon a time there was a farmer and his wife who had one daughter, and she was courted by a gentleman. Every evening he used to come and see her, and stop to supper at the farmhouse, and the daughter used to be sent down into the cellar to draw the beer for supper.

Which was fine most of the time. At least, as long as she never looked up.

So one evening she had gone down to draw the beer, and she happened to look up at the ceiling while she was drawing, and she saw a mallet stuck in one of the beams. It must have been there a long, long time, but somehow or other she had never noticed it before, and she began a-thinking.

Thinking ought to be outlawed for Fairy Tale heroines, since it gets them in all sorts of trouble.

And she thought it was very dangerous to have that mallet there, for she said to herself: 'Suppose him and me was to be married, and we was to have a son, and he was to grow up to be a man, and come down into the cellar to draw the beer, like as I'm doing now, and the mallet was to fall on his head and kill him, what a dreadful thing it would be!'

Chill, Else! (that's her name, according to one of the other versions) First you've got to marry the guy!

And she put down the candle and the jug, and sat herself down and began a-crying.

All over something that probably won't ever happen.

Well, they began to wonder upstairs how it was that she was so long drawing the beer, and her mother went down to see after her, and she found her sitting on the settle crying, and the beer running over the floor.

She forgot to stop up the spigot before she let loose her tears.

'Why, whatever is the matter?' said her mother. 'Oh, mother!' says she, 'look at that horrid mallet! Suppose we was to be married, and was to have a son, and he was to grow up, and was to come down to the cellar to draw the beer, and the mallet was to fall on his head and kill him, what a dreadful thing it would be!'

And the mother ought to tell the daughter that she's being silly, but she doesn't.

'Dear, dear! what a dreadful thing it would be!' said the mother, and she sat down aside of the daughter and started a-crying too.

Mom's just as silly as the daughter, you see. Doesn't even think to turn off the tap!

Then after a bit the father began to wonder that they didn't come back, and he went down into the cellar to look after them himself, and there they two sat a-crying, and the beer running all over the floor. 'Whatever is the matter?' says he. 'Why,' says the mother, 'look at that horrid mallet. Just suppose, if our daughter and her sweetheart was to be married, and was to have a son, and he was to grow up, and was to come down into the cellar to draw the beer, and the mallet was to fall on his head and kill him, what a dreadful thing it would be!' 'Dear, dear, dear! so it would!' said the father, and he sat himself down aside of the other two, and started a-crying.

And I was hoping that the daughter only took after mom. No such luck, I guess. And he doesn't even think to turn off the tap either!

Now the gentleman got tired of stopping up in the kitchen by himself, and at last he went down into the cellar, too, to see what they were after; and there they three sat a-crying side by side, and the beer running all over the floor. And he ran straight and turned the tap.

Finally! Someone had the sense to turn off the tap!

Then he said: 'Whatever are you three doing, sitting there crying, and letting the beer run all over the floor?'

Let's just hope that the gentleman has the sense to see that this is a girl who he doesn't want for a bride.

 'Oh!' says the father, 'look at that horrid mallet! Suppose you and our daughter was to be married, and was to have a son, and he was to grow up, and was to come down into the cellar to draw the beer, and the mallet was to fall on his head and kill him!'

Honestly, it sounds rather pathetic to me.

And then they all started a-crying worse than before. But the gentleman burst out a-laughing, and reached up and pulled out the mallet, and then he said: 'I've travelled many miles, and I never met three such big sillies as you three before; and now I shall start out on my travels again, and when I can find three bigger sillies than you three, then I'll come back and marry your daughter.' So he wished them good-bye, and started off on his travels, and left them all crying because the girl had lost her sweetheart.

I'm glad SOMEONE has sense in his head, because he's the only sensible person in this Fairy Tale.

Well, he set out, and he travelled a long way, and at last he came to a woman's cottage that had some grass growing on the roof.

Must have been a sod house.

 And the woman was trying to get her cow to go up a ladder to the grass, and the poor thing durst not go. So the gentleman asked the woman what she was doing.

You know, whenever I read this part of this Fairy Tale, I think of the Little House on the Prairie series for some odd reason.

'Why, lookye,' she said, 'look at all that beautiful grass. I'm going to get the cow on to the roof to eat it. She'll be quite safe, for I shall tie a string round her neck, and pass it down the chimney, and tie it to my wrist as I go about the house, so she can't fall off without my knowing it.' 'Oh, you poor silly!' said the gentleman, 'you should cut the grass and throw it down to the cow!' But the woman thought it was easier to get the cow up the ladder than to get the grass down, so she pushed her and coaxed her and got her up, and tied a string round her neck, and passed it down the chimney, and fastened it to her own wrist.

And having him tied around your wrist is going to keep him from falling off how? He's heavier than you.

And the gentleman went on his way, but he hadn't gone far when the cow tumbled off the roof, and hung by the string tied round her neck, and it strangled her. And the weight of the cow tied to her wrist pulled the woman up the chimney, and she stuck fast half-way and was smothered in the soot.

As I said ... it didn't help. It actually hurt ...

Well, that was one big silly.

Yep, the big number 1.

And the gentleman went on and on, and he went to an inn to stop the night, and they were so full at the inn that they had to put him in a double-bedded room, and another traveller was to sleep in the other bed.

This was back in the day, if you will remember, back when travelers slept in the same room as strangers.

The other man was a very pleasant fellow, and they got very friendly together; but in the morning, when they were both getting up, the gentleman was surprised to see the other hang his trousers on the knobs of the chest of drawers and run across the room and try to jump into them, and he tried over and over again and couldn't manage it; and the gentleman wondered whatever he was doing it for.

And his eyebrows were up so far, they touched his hairline.

At last he stopped and wiped his face with his handkerchief. 'Oh dear,' he says, 'I do think trousers are the most awkwardest kind of clothes that ever were. I can't think who could have invented such things. It takes me the best part of an hour to get into mine every morning, and I get so hot! How do you manage yours?'

You see, this man's father died before he was born, and, since his mother wore dresses, he never learned the proper way way to put on his trousers.

So the gentleman burst out a-laughing, and showed him how to put them on; and he was very much obliged to him, and said he never should have thought of doing it that way.

And did the man a huge favor.

So that was another big silly.

One that was far less lethal.

Then the gentleman went on his travels again; and he came to a village, and outside the village there was a pond, and round the pond was a crowd of people. And they had got rakes, and brooms, and pitchforks reaching into the pond; and the gentleman asked what was the matter.

A huge firedrake was hiding in the water maybe ...

'Why,' they say, 'matter enough! Moon's tumbled into the pond, and we can't rake her out anyhow!'

Apparently, they didn't understand the principle of reflection.

 So the gentleman burst out a-laughing, and told them to look up into the sky, and that it was only the shadow in the water. But they wouldn't listen to him, and abused him shamefully, and he got away as quick as he could.

Oh, dear. He was just trying to help ...

So there was a whole lot of sillies bigger than them three sillies at home. So the gentleman turned back home and married the farmer' s daughter, and if they didn't live happy for ever after, that's nothing to do with you or me.

I love how this Fairy Tale deals with the happily ever after. They might have had one, but, even if they didn't, it's none of our business!

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