Writing with the Five Love Languages

As I mentioned on Saturday, I'm holding Indie e-Con over on the GiraffeCrafts blog. BUT, just to make sure that you guys are aware of it, I am going to be posting a few articles over here. My own articles, that is, just as all of the other authors are posting articles on their blogs for cross-promotion. (Yay!)

Now, onto my article! Today's theme is romance, so into the untried waters of love I go.

I've never been in a relationship, yet I insist on writing romance into my writing (don't ask me why!). Therefore, most of what I write is based off either (a) observing people around me, and (b) reading - especially marriage counseling books. (Honestly, you'd think I WAS in a failing relationship with as many marriage counseling books as I've read.)

One of the books that I've found most helpful has been "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Why? Because, like personality types, the book lays forward a "formula" that allows me to create deeper, more dynamic characters.

(Please note that the system itself is NOT a formula, I just use it as one when applying it to character creation.)

So, what are the five love languages? Well, I'm not going to spend too much time on each one, given that there's a whole book written on it (several books, more accurately), but I'll give some examples of each:

Touch: Hugging, kissing, snuggling, handholding - basically, positive physical contact.
Words of Affirmation: "I love you," "You're doing a good job," "That was beautiful cake you made," "Have I ever told you how much you mean to me?" Basically, verbal acknowledgments of love and empowerment.
Gifts: Flowers, a card, a car, jewelry, a stone you picked up by the side of the road - this can be anything really, just as long as you're giving an object.
Quality Time: Watching a movie together, going on a hike together, reading books together, deep conversations together - just, general emphasis on time spent together. 
Acts of Service: Taking out the trash, cleaning a room, fixing the computer, doing a chore - basically, doing things for the other person. A lot like gifts, but with the emphasis on time and actions over money and objects.

No one of these languages is "better" than any of the others, and, in a healthy individual, none of them are a statement of hatred (there are exceptions, usually because someone in the person's past abused that love language), but everyone "speaks" them in a different order. Your primary love language means infinitely more to you than one from the bottom, for instance. And you're quicker to speak your first few than you ever will the latter ones. I've ordered the above in the order that I speak them, but my sister actually speaks them in pretty much opposite order (it makes our relationship interesting.)

So how does this affect writing? Well, in helping develop your characters and strengthen their relationships, of course.

I admit that I don't have a language order for every one of my characters, but I have them for most of my main couples, and I'm going to discuss three of them for the purpose of this post (but with names removed as some of them are spoilers.) All three couples come from very different backgrounds, and I will discuss that as well, because that can influence HOW the love languages are spoken.

(I also would like to state that knowing your own love language is vitally important, as it WILL creep in and affect your couples. I don't know how often I've had to dial back on handholding and hugging because it doesn't fit with a couple. The first couple that I will mention especially.)

So, couple #1.
Her love languages: Words, Time, Acts, Touch, Gifts
His love languages: Acts, Words, Gifts, Time, Touch.
This is a couple who started out as rivals. She's insecure in herself, especially as there were several people important to her who didn't speak her language very well, and he admires her but doesn't know what to do with her temper.
They fall in love when they're forced to spend time together and she finally hears him express his admiration for her. He offers to take her places that she's never been before, which for him is an act of service, but she interprets it through quality time.
Strains on their relationship: Mostly the fact that spending time together isn't as important to him as it is to her, and occasionally the fact that his acts of service can translate into protectiveness, and she is fiercely independent.

Couple #2.
Her love languages: Words, Touch, Gifts, Time, Acts
His love languages: Acts, Time, Gifts, Words, Touch.
Now, this pair is fun, due to how little they seem to have in common. This is one of my arranged marriage couples, and neither of them is quite happy with the affair at first. However, the disparity of their love languages actually proves to be a saving grace for them, as her barbed insults don't hurt him as much as someone to whom words are everything. Another saving grace for them is the fact that his dad's primary love language was touch, so when confronted with the need to comfort his new wife, the fellow draws on the memory of his parents and offers physical comfort, even though it's not his natural inclination.
Strains on their relationship: The fact that their languages are in almost complete reverse of each other. When stress hits, frequently forget how to speak or understand the other's love language. Theirs is a very uphill battle all through their relationship. They love each other, but a lot of it is an "us against the world" mentality alongside a strong commitment to their marriage vows. I think I've plotted more out-and-out fights between this couple than I have for any other.

Couple #3.
Her love languages: Time, Acts, Touch, Gifts, Words.
His love languages: Touch, Words, Time, Gifts, Acts.
This couple grew up together and were best friends before they were lovers. As such, they are well acquainted with each other's personalities. Even as the book opens, they're both already very good at speaking each other's languages  - not perfect, by any means, but they still communicate easily, though she's a little bit better as she translates touch through acts of service. In fact, it's very possible that they are aware of their love languages. They live in our world, after all, and categorizing and research is an addiction of hers.
Strains on their relationship: When one forgets to speak the other's love language. Especially their secondary love languages. It doesn't happen very often, but stress will get to even the healthiest of relationships.

As you may gather from this list, there is no "perfect" formula. A healthy couple has their differences and learns to succeed despite those differences.

So, some tips to sum this up:

1. While it is possible for an action to be spoken one way, as in the case of couple 1, it can also be a source of letdown when the receiver realizes that they had misunderstood their partner.

2. Touch can be easily misunderstood and misinterpreted. It's more than just the passionate kissing. It's about the little moments of physical contact - brushing fingers, a pat on the back, kiss to the forehead - that anchors a person and says "you're not alone." Indeed, for me, since quality time is lower down, I don't even care for prolonged snuggling all that much. (Though that might also have to do with the fact that I live in Texas where it's hot).

3. Most healthy individuals do not interpret any of the love languages as hate, but abuse can destroy positive pathways - especially for a person's inferior languages. Someone who has been in a relationship where "I love you" was just lip service might no longer believe that the words even mean anything. My sister has a sensory processing disorder, and she can't stand being touched unless you're very gentle. Also, the further down a language is, the harder it is for them to restore the positive association.

So, do you know your Love Language? If you're a writer, can you name the love language of at least one of your characters?

The Problem With MBTI in Fiction

Some of you who've been reading my blog for a while may have noticed that I have a slight obsession with MBTI. Actually, obsession isn't the right word - that would be my sister - but it is something that thoroughly fascinates me. I like learning about the way that different people's minds work. I like understanding how different people's brains work.

But there is one thing that bothers me - when people start using fictional characters as examples of personality types.

You want to know why?

Because they're fiction. They're written by an author who sees the world in a certain way, and, try as they might, their own personality type is going to bleed all over their story and into every character. Even for characters of their own personality types, there's a certain amount of distance they have to make between themselves, a certain amount of glazing over their faults that will happen.

I'm an author myself. I'm an ENFP. I write ENFP characters who don't always think or act like ENFP's, and I write characters who aren't supposed to be ENFP ... but the ENFP thought process still snuck in while I wasn't looking.

Take Petra, for instance - I meant for her to be an INTJ, and most of my beta readers recognized her as such ... except for the one who was an actual INTJ. (She tried to pin her as an ISTP ... but frankly, that isn't Petra AT ALL. ISTJ would be more likely.)

My mom is an INTJ, and we're about 75% sure that my baby sis is one too. I read tons of articles about INTJ's ...

But here's the thing.

I'm not an INTJ. I'm an ENFP.

(And, second thing - for the longest time, Petra was going to be an INFJ, and there are a few moments when that showed through.)

I don't see the world through introverted intuition, but extroverted intuition. While I do understand extroverted thinking, my comfort decision process is introverted feeling. And that bled through.

No, I don't think she's not an INTJ, but she is an INTJ written through an ENFP filter.

Now take Clara - she's supposed to be an ENFP. And her perception and decisions processes are very ENFP much of the time. But there are elements of her character that are NOT true of me, and I've as yet to meet an ENFP who adheres to a schedule as well as she does. If you're looking for an ENFP model, I'd highly recommend Robin instead, but even with her, there are elements that I know aren't strictly ENFP about her,

Because you see, there are elements of my ENFP-ness that I'm frankly embarrassed about, that I know won't make a good hero. So I quietly shave them out and slide in other flaws instead. Or play up weaknesses that I'm not so embarrassed about.

And this is why it bothers me when I see people holding up fictional characters as models of personality types, because with fictional characters, it's never clear-cut or obvious. I was looking at a number of charts the other day and found Katniss sorted as ISTP, ISTJ, and ISFP. Frankly, my lean is ISTP, but she's fictional. Her brain functions according to the whim of her author and perhaps some feedback from an editorial staff.

It's a little better in TV, where you can have multiple writers for one series, because you can bring a multitude of personalities to the story. Even there, and taking MLP as an example now, some writers present Pinkie Pie as an ESFP, others as and ENFP. Sometimes Twilight seems more like an INTJ, other times she acts more INTP. It depends on the writer and the plot.

Do I mind the typing of fictional characters? No, I don't. If it helps you identify with the characters, all the more power to you. But what I do mind is people touting fictional characters as supreme examples of personalities. Because they're fictional. They're going to contradict themselves in ways that no real human being ever will.

But here's one more secret - if you know the personality type of an author, you can learn a lot about the way they think from their writing. I may not write the perfect ENFP characters, but I myself am all over my writing, in the depth of my POV's, in the richness and wildness of my worldbuilding, in the complexity of the plot twists. Stuff that, I've noticed, also seems to be true of INFP's, but then, we do have the same functions, just in a slightly different order.

And that, my friends, is why I've been asking everyone what their personality types are and how they feel it bleeds into their writing. Academic study.

Feel free to comment below with your thoughts on the subject, and, hey, if you're a writer, and you know your type, can you tell me what it is and you feel it affects your writing?

(And yes, Miss Melody Muffin, I wrote this post because of our conversation about Petra, but a lot of this is thoughts I've been having for a while)